"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
