this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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