i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
