The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
