i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
