So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
