Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
