i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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