i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
