Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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