guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
