I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
