I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
