Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
