I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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