Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
