Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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