I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
