The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
