he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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