A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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