I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
