I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
