don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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