my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
