Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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