A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
