You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize