Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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