go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
