Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
