Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize