I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woke up backwards on a recliner
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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