Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
