glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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