I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
