I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
