I molested 6 butterflies tonight
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
