Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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