I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
