Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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