Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize