Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
