someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
