When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
