be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
