GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
