Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
