I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
