There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
