i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i will never coherently bang her
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
