i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize