Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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