You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
