Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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