the condom got lost in my hair
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
