May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize